Sunday, April 12, 2015

Correct Grocery Store Behavior

I work at a grocery store. Here's now you should act.

  • Stand Behind Your cart

A college student walks up the right side of an aisle, leisurely browsing. She spots a sale sign in front of some cans of soup on the other side of the aisle. Curious, she likes soup, she checks out the varieties and leaves her cart where she was standing. She's now an asshole.

Assholes block paths, and in general get in the way. You'll almost never be in a situation where it's appropriate to just leave your cart somewhere, but when you do your first thought should be "Am I being an asshole?" or "Am I an asshole for doing this?" and "Would I think someone was an asshole for doing this?"

  • Treat Everyone Like a Person
I am the perfect embodiment of a human being. I'm beautiful beyond all standards, and by all accounts I'm too good to be true. I am, however, not a robot. I have feelings, aspirations, and goals. Before you say anything, ask yourself "Do I sound like an asshole?" Most people get this wrong, your first thought shouldn't be "Do I sound like a MASSIVE asshole?" Don't say something to seem less like an asshole, just don't be an asshole.

Which brings me to my next point.

  • Mother Fuckin' Say Hello
The first thing you say to me shouldn't be a question, it should be hello. I don't care if you follow it up with any other phatic communion, just say hello. You don't have to ask me how I am or if I'm having a good day. I'm not good, I'm not having a good day, but that's not what I'm going to tell you. All I care is if you say hello.

DON'T start a conversation with "Where is the bread?" or "Do you know where the bread is?" or "where is the normal bread?" (seriously, everyone asks where the bread is.) You should say "Hello, where is the bread?" or "Hi there, do you know where the bread is?" or "Sup bitch, where the bread stay?" 

  • The Grocery Store is a Luxury
The Grocery Store is a Luxury, not a right. Stop treating it like one. It's not your right to get your meat or cold cuts cut in a specific way. It's not your right to get a birthday cake. Many grocery stores don't charge extra for extra labor, so appreciate it. If I work really hard for you but can't quite get you what you want, thank me and don't be an asshole. I didn't have to help you. No one has to help you and the grocery store isn't bound by what you want or what you like.

Also, don't treat the people at the grocery store like they do things in spite of your or other customers. We're not trying to trick you or make you do anything you don't want to do. We just want to do our worthless job and go home, and most of us want to do a good job in spite of our better efforts to not care.


  • When I Say That You're Wrong, You're Almost Certainly Wrong
A customer told me once that she thinks we change the dates on raw meats instead of tossing them. Effectively selling spoiled product to customers to avoid waste, which I guess is far better than the many, many lawsuits we'd have. I guess you should open your own supermarket, because you have all of the knowledge from behind the veil.

9 times out of 9, you are just wrong. You saw the wrong sign, you didn't read the sign or the ad, or you made up the sale. That service you think we do, we won't do and when we say we don't do it, don't ask again. If you have a complaint, and your complaint has no grounds or you're just making up your own rules, just go ahead and shut the fuck up. Thanks

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