My time of wandering is over. No matter where this takes me, I've made a decision.
From this time forward, I intend to be a writer.
Recently, a position opened up for a popular PC gaming website. I applied for it, and I've yet to hear back. I'm not worried. Either I get it or I don't, but the application itself brought me to a conclusion that's more valuable than any job. While writing the cover letter I sent, I helped myself realize what I've been doing with my life and why I've done the things I've done.
I feel like I've been wrong this whole time, but I've needed the time. I split my time learning different things and failing. I'm not done learning or failing, I'm sure I'll do a lot of that, but now it will be different. I plan to seek out books, exercise my writing skills. Enamor myself with creativity and learning. My one life goal is to be a polymath, and one day I will be that for sure, but right now I need to be smaller. Reaching a point where I can love the work I do is more than I can ask for, but it's certainly the first of my goals for this year or the next.
My hobbies will be put on hold. I'll still watch YouTube videos and listen to podcasts, and hopefully exercise, but I don't plan on buying more twisty puzzles, shaving gear, yo-yos, or anything else. I want to dedicate no less than 50% of my free time to writing, either learning to write or writing something, A blog, prose, poetry, a vlog, a movie, a book. Anything. I just want to be better and I don't know why I haven't done this yet.
In the cover letter I wrote for my application, I realized that I always take the hard way out. Writing, I've thought, was always the easy way. I think the hard way I took was everything except writing. Writing would be a back door, something fun maybe, but nothing serious ever. I realize now; if it's fun and I can make a living doing it, it's probably what I should do. There's nothing that I've done that's as important to me as writing. Most of the things I do feel like filler in comparison.I'm ready to move to a point where I'm no longer generating or absorbing filler.
I know this post isn't very clear or focused, but I think that represents how I feel right now. I'm entering a place where I don't want to be anything but a writer, but even now I'm confused and scared. I don't know what to expect and, in many ways, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't think I'll ever know what I'm doing, but if I can help myself even just a little bit, I'll do just that. I will be good. I will be great.