Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Today

Today's the day I realized that I don't have friends. I've come close to the exact way I felt ten years ago, without being melodramatic and depressed. I'm not comfortable, but it's somewhat better than the alternative (which is to say, the current alternative of being more uncomfortable).

I don't deal well with groups. I don't understand groups of friends. I enjoy personal, intimate time. One-on-one, that kind of shit. It seems to me that many young people I know congregate into larger groups of five or more. I feel like groups end up being more segregated over time, as each friend finds a group which relates more to their personal needs.

Somehow, we find ourselves in these groups to fulfill certain needs. I don't treat friends like goals, I treat them like people. I create myself as a full package. I exist in a world without boundary, but to many my life exists only with walls. I do wall myself in from those around me, but my mindset is so open and willing. I'll befriend anyone. If it doesn't work, I move on. If it does work, then that's something I've found.

I'm no one's need. When I find myself being used for a certain purpose, and not treated like a friend, I disconnect. It's worse than being around a person who I don't like. I don't want to be used, I want to be loved. Groups can't love a single person. That's a lie, groups exist just to love a single person (like Raƫl), but not a group of friends. Groups exist to appease single needs and no one person has a single need.

Sometimes we'll meet others in groups, and that becomes something more. In that way, groups are certainly good, but no collection of people should call a solid group "friends." There is no "friends" group, unless it's a fan club for "Friends," and no one in that group is my friend.

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