Sunday, November 10, 2013

Why not...

I think about myself, but maybe in a more selfish manner than others. The question of 'why me?' comes about often, but in my head the question is always 'why not me?'

Everyday there seems to be a story bout a kid, sometimes as young as 16, who's doing something awesome or amazing and is stinking rich. It's somewhat frustrating because, often but not always, I feel like I have their same abilities or potential. I don't do those things though.

Part of me thinks that I've never had the opportunity. Growing up, I didn't have the environment to be creative or think 'outside the box' to use a tired phrase. My goals were limited: go to school, get a degree, get a job. That's all my mother prepared us for, and it's somewhat disappointing. She did the best job she could, and she didn't do a bad job at all. My mother is amazing and awesome, she did her best to realize her own potential. She got a master's at the age of 46 (I think) and that's probably the most awesome thing anyone can do. School isn't just for kids, and you can kind of go back whenever you want.

Having said that, my mom pushed us into school because she didn't do it and she thinks it's the best for everyone. Many people think that and it's not always wrong. Going to school is often a great idea. Unfortunately it's not good enough to know the same things as a lawyer in order to be a lawyer. Law degrees are necessary for the tests needed for licences, causing lawyering to be very difficult for poor people. It's sort of a 'the rich get richer' story, but no lawyer is getting rich right now.

I digress.

I don't think school was right for me, even though I'm the type of person who does well in school. I've never liked the structure of school, I like binging on learning. School facilitates forgetting. My mother said the moment she passed her statistics class, everything fell out of her head. The situation called for 'remember this, until you can forget it forever and it doesn't matter.' I don't want to learn things for the moment, I want to learn them for myself, things I need to know forever and want to know. Things I can use for myself.

Sadly, school doesn't cater to these thoughts well. School is standardized; it's too difficult for people who learn slower, and too boring for people who learn quicker. I was always the person who learned quickly and was bored, and my boredom lead to standard results. Even in the college level courses I took in high-school I felt unchallenged. I'm not bragging, and I'm not begging for a challenge. There were more difficult classes to take (some, anyway) but due to my standard performance, they were a little unavailable to me. I also didn't want a 'hard' class for the sake of challenge. I wanted a class I loved to treat me with tough love. I didn't want calculus and I didn't want classic lit.

The only classes which challenged me creatively (which is what I really wanted) were classes I wasn't any good at. My AP art course, which I did terribly in because I'm no artist, was a very difficult class and I loved that it was so hard. It stressed me to the point of utter dismay and I wish I had taken advantage of it, but I was never encouraged to be something different.

This is all sort of a trickle down effect. I wasn't creative at home, I wasn't creative in school, and I was never creative with my life. Somehow, at home point, I was shoved into a box and could never remove myself from it. It's sad because I'm so awesome and creative. If only I had found my way out of that box ten years ago, I could be one of those kids in the news today. If only I had told myself to be exceptional then.

I can't let it get to me now, now I have to be awesome for the young me and the now me.

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