Monday, April 30, 2012

Growing

Me at 16, I think
When I first moved out of my parent's house I made a video of the Apartment I moved into, just to show it to everyone. I was happy, my apartment was much cleaner then and it looked a bit different. Not a lot has changed since then (it's been about a year at the time of writing).

What has changed is unexpected. At first being here was just the best my life could be. I was out on my own doing new and different things. I just felt free to be who I wanted to be and do what I wanted to do. Of course, it took much longer to figure out what that meant.

It took me a while how to figure out how to be Awesome.


Me at 16 or so, playing WoW. Before the Haircut.
I spent a decent part of my ladder 10 years in a deep depression. For one reason or another; the specifics aren't important right now. Namely what I mean to say is that it only recently ended, within the last six months, well after I moved out of my parent's house.

It was then I realized what it meant to be happy and what I wanted to do with my life, vaguely anyway. No one could have told me what it was or how to get there, like I had expected. I was raised with the idea of a singular path (go to college, get a job) and as the years pass I've learned how wrong that is. At the same time I was encouraged to be creative and different. I thought getting a job would mean that I could make a difference and show the world who I am.

In reality, a job isn't creative or expressive. The singular path ended with a singular feeble goal: make more money than my parents.

Most pictures I have of myself were taken at 16
Also, my mustache has greatly improved
Despite what my family thinks, I'm not materialistic. I don't care about money. It's way more important than I like to admit, because I enjoy having a space to live in and a connection to the Internet (and food is always nice) and all of that costs more money than you think. Essentially, my goals in life were largely contradictory: live a stiff, cold life and be creative. I convinced myself to be like everyone else, although I always thought of myself as extraordinary, capable of doing great things, everyone told me the best option was to get a good paying job.

I accepted these frankly shitty ideas, which were only ever told to me by shitty people. It took me a few decades to meet any awesome people. It took me that long to realize that I'm not shitty like everyone else. I'm not just capable of doing different things, I am different. I am exemplary.

I think this was my last day in high school. I was 17.
Note my ironic t-shirt
So I got out. I moved away from my path, like I had with my childhood home. I ripped out every root I could, cut every tie with it that I had. I dropped out of college. I didn't just stop going, I failed every class on purpose. I don't plan on going back. I simply don't want to. I don't need to because I can do it on my own. I don't need a job or a career path. My life and what I want with it are going to get me to new and different places.

I will succeed. I don't care how hard it is, how long it will take, but I will succeed.

I am awesome.

No comments: